Buried Beneath The Sheets, I Think She's Having A Meltdown

Sometimes you think something is for the better but it ends up being just as bad, if not worse than what you were hoping to change.

When I moved in July, I wasn't moving into a new apartment or anything exciting like that. While that would've been nice, I actually moved back with my parents. There were many reasons for this move, and believe it or not, none of them had to do with money - it's costing the same, if not more, to live here with my parents.

- The months leading up to my decision to move, I was losing all patience with my roommate and his mood swings. As you all read a couple post back, Keith was dealing with the crazy chick and it was making him the bitchiest person alive. There wasn't a moment that went by when he wasn't biting my head off or snapping at me for nothing at all. It got to the point where I would pretend I was in my room sleeping just to avoid him.

Besides the issues with his crazy ex, Keith was also having issues at work. He had been promised a raise, which never happened and instead of talking to his boss and straightening it out, he would bitch to me and tell me that he was going to quit his job. Now, that's all fine and dandy, it's not that difficult to find a job around here. He could probably leave his and have another one within a couple hours but that's not the point. The point is, he's so far in debt that he needs the job he has because the chances that he'll get another one that will pay what he needs right off the bat is slim. Unless, of course, he goes to the oil fields, which he doesn't want to do at all.

So being at home wasn't relaxing at all.

- As most of you know, I'm an aunt to 12 kids. Of those 12 kids, two are in Ohio, three are back home in Newfoundland and the remaining 7 are here in Alberta.

Working nights like I do, I barely got to see those kids unless I happened to be over to my parents house or my sisters dropped by for something. This past summer, I decided that I was going to spend more time with them before they were too old and didn't want to have anything to do with me! So a few times, on my day's off, I would invite them over for a BBQ and run around the backyard with the kids. It was fun and when they would leave I would miss them. (Sidenote: my roommate pretty much hates my family and has as far back as the time that we were dating. Whenever they were over, he got all bitchy and would make snide remarks while there were there and afterwards as well.)

I felt like I was missing out of their lives. They went from babies to school in no time at all it seemed and I hadn't spent that much time with them at all. But they thought I was the coolest and loved me despite never seeing me!

I was feeling uncomfortable at home and guilty because I was missing the kids lives. I was looking to change my life so that I would be happier and have more time for my family since, at the moment, they are the only people I have.

Then that 'change' I was looking for happened. Sort of. My mom had been asking me for years to move back and I guess, according to her, my dad had been asking her for the last year or so, if I was thinking about moving back. I wasn't, I told them that but they still kept asking. When my mom told me that they bought an acreage about 15 minutes closer to where I work, and said that they would build a spot for me, I have to admit, it caught my attention.

Of course, I didn't jump at it right away because, let's face it, I'm going to be 28 in December and the idea of living with my parents again, wasn't exactly getting me super excited but it was a way to get away from Keith before our friendship was destroyed and it also guaranteed that I would get to see my nieces and nephews more because they were always over at my parents house.

So in July, I finally gave in and moved back in with my parents.

It seemed to go alright at first. Everything was good, I was happy and things seemed to be getting better. But then, it all started to go down hill and everyone went back to the way they always have been.

My youngest sisters love to fight with each other, I swear. It seems that not a moment goes by where they aren't calling each other names and throwing their past mistakes back in each other's faces. My mom gets in on it, thinking that she's helping when she isn't because she takes one side and doesn't realize she's doing it. Or maybe she does realize it, I don't know. Anyway, I try to stay out of it but its hard when they bring it into my room and won't leave.

For the last couple weeks, I haven't been getting any sleep because my sisters come over here with their kids and stay. All day. It doesn't matter if mom has things she has to do, they don't care. They'll come over, let their kids run free and bitch about each other and whatever else they feel like. The kids have Treehouse (cartoon channel) on loud as they run around playing, screaming, fighting, whatever. Meanwhile I'm trying to sleep because I have to work and I can't.

My mom, thinking it's going to make a difference, tells the kids to be quiet, I'm trying to sleep but it doesn't matter. Then, sooner or later, my mom starts yelling, at the kids, at the girls or just bitching to herself because she can't do what she wants on her days off. Meanwhile, the girls are too busy not watching their kids.

~sigh~

If I were to tell the girls that they have to keep the kids quiet or leave, they start bitching at me. One day, they were all here and left. Mom went to do whatever she had to do and I went to bed. Not even an hour after I went to bed, I was woken up by Treehouse blaring and screaming kids. I was tired and cranky. I went out into the living room where my youngest sister, who had to move at the end of last month, was sitting on the couch while the kids ran wild. I believe I told her to go home - I was tired and cranky, that's my excuse. She pretty much told me that I had no right to tell her to leave and she was visiting my mom. Looking around, I asked her where mom was - she didn't know.

She went on and on about she had every right to be there and blah, blah, blah. I told her she was inconsiderate because she knew I had to work that night and didn't have the common sense to stay away or keep her kids quite. She pretty much told me to fuck off.

It wouldn't be so bad if this was an isolated case but it wasn't. It's just one of the many times that I only got an hour or so of sleep in before having to go to work because of them.

Lack of sleep. Reason number one that I've been feeling less like myself than normal.

Reason two? Stress at work.

For the last year or so, I've been working in Electronics in my store. (My store isn't 24 hours all year around, just so you all know. It's only 24 hours around Christmas.) At the end of Sept or Oct of last year, management was told by the district manager that there needed to be someone in Electronics all night, every night because of the amount of sales the department does and the fact that the day shifts weren't suppose to be doing stock, they were supposed to be concentrating on customers.

When the managers were told this, they all seemed to think I was the best one for the role so I was moved over from infants to electronics. I was given the chance to pick the 2nd person, they one who would be in the department helping me and working it on their own when I was on my day's off - I picked the guy I've been crushing on since I started at this store. No, it wasn't because I was crushing on him and wanted to work with him all night, every night. I did it because there wasn't anyone else who could do the job as well as I could. Plus, I didn't really trust anyone else in the store to not screw things up.

Anyway. From the beginning there were issues with me being in there all night. The over night manager kept taking me out and moving me into other departments when there wasn't that much stock on the truck report. Then the Store manager would come in and be all pissed off when all the extra things he wanted done, weren't done. It went back and forth like that for a good month or so before I told them to make up their minds because they were driving me insane.

It's funny that I would say that, seeing that it's been almost a year later and every single night, I swear they are driving me more and more insane.

It started out as little things. Change this, change it back, no change it again. Then it was moving stuff around on me and then telling me to change it back. Setting, resetting and setting MODs over and over again in four or five different places. Giving me 4-ways and stackbases for stock and taking them away again until I had nowhere to feature anything. It was all taking it's toll on me and it didn't help that I wasn't getting the 2nd person to help anymore. The department was mine and mine alone.

It's been nothing but a constant fight to stay ahead. And I was actually ahead for a while. Then I went on vacation. I was only on vacation for two weeks - 14 days - not enough time to ruin anything you would think but that wasn't so. I walked back into the store on my first night back and everything was a mess. The lock up in the back I couldn't even get into because they had stock piled/thrown all over the floor. There were skids and skids of stuff that was marked overstock but it wasn't. And then there were carts of stock that had to be worked from days before.

It was a mess but to be honest, I kinda expected it. Every single department I ever worked was a mess when I came back from vacation. It was like no one else knew how to do anything. And the mess wouldn't have been so bad, I would've had it all under control by the end of that week but the management team - store manager and swas leader mainly - decided that this was a good time for me to reset the entire department three or four times only to have to change it again when the new MODs dropped - all at once. It would take me a month before I had the time to actually go back into the lock up and work the freight out - of course, I would have to deal with the skids in the back first.

Now maybe it doesn't sound that bad. And normally it wouldn't faze me but remember, all this time I'm barely sleeping.

In the last couple weeks at work, it's been one big headache. The first week in October Walmarts here have an anniversary sale. This year, they decided that they were going to have a 'pre anniversary sale' (last week) and then the actual sale (this week). Not a big deal, sales happen all the time. Just like Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, all of which we are dealing with at this time as well. But this year, just to make things more exciting, they have my store's inventory scheduled for the week after the sale ends. Next Tuesday to be exact.

The actual inventory day isn't a big deal, the company the hired to count will come in and do their thing. It's the time leading up to inventory that's fun. Not only do I have to clean up the mess that the day staff keeps leaving in the back room every day, work the truck stock that comes in, make decisions on where to put product and make sure things are ready to go in the morning for customers, I also have a list of other things I had to do. Recently our store ended it's layaway program so I was told that the layaway lock up was now a 2nd Electronics lock up and everything that was in the back room in the steel was to come down and go into that lock up. So I had to take everything, inventory prep it and put it into our new lock up. Then the company changed the binning program for the back room in hopes that it will help on hands, so now I have to go through, make sure everything is labelled with the new inventory labels and scanned into the new system. But first, my lock up bins have to be set up, which they aren't. And did I mention they want that all done before inventory? So I have until Tuesday to get the two lock ups in order and ready.

Not a big deal though, right? Many people can't get sleep and have piles of work tossed on them until the feel like they are drowning.

Maybe it wouldn't seem so bad if there weren't other things going on.

When my youngest sister had to move from her apartment into a three bedroom house, she asked me to help her get her finances under control. All her life she never had to budget so now she's in the hole close to $20, 000, which wouldn't be so bad but she had nothing to show for it. The money she owes is to utility companies and my parents, mainly. She isn't working, only her husband is and she has three young kids. She's not even 21 yet and if she continues the way she's going, she will never get out of this hole she's dug.

Being the nice sister I am, I said yes, I would help her out. Little did she know that with me helping her, she would have to justify ever single cent she spent. I went over there on a Sunday afternoon to go through their finances and figure out what was going on. Oh my freaking God, my head was spinning from the totals they were giving me! I couldn't believe that they owed so much to utilities! Taking a deep breath, I gave them a list of things that I needed them to do for me - find out exact balances and stuff like that - and I told them that they needed to cut back on their spending until we dealt with the deposits they would need for power, gas and water for their new place. Plus, I wanted them to leave their money alone until we knew when all their bills were due - they didn't have any of the older bills and couldn't tell me when they were due or how much they owed.

I thought I got through to them, the day after I went over there, my sister went through and did everything on the list that I gave her and she didn't spend anything. A couple days later I got into their account (she gave me all the passwords and stuff for all their stuff) to see about paying something. I damn near had a heart attack when I saw their balance. Right away I was grabbing my phone and calling Sondra. I ripped into her, demanding to know that the hell she was doing and what she wasted her money on. I told her that I can't help them if they don't listen to me.

Over the next couple minutes, I went through her account, listed where and what she spent and she told me what it was. Of the $500 they spent in the one day, only about $150-$200 wasn't wasted on stuff they didn't need.

The following Sunday I checked her balance again and once again, I flipped. Then, instead of calling her, I grabbed a piece of paper and started to categorize the money they spent. Of the $1500 they spent that week, $1000 of it was wasted. When they came over for lunch that day, I sat them down, showed them what they were spending and once again lectured them.

I don't know. I guess it's not really my concern but they did ask for my help and it worries me that they, while they have gotten a little better, they still don't seem to understand that they have a problem and it's only going to ruin their lives if they don't deal with it now.

So let's see - not sleeping, dealing with family fighting, stress at work, trying to control my sister's spending - not too bad.

Then again, it's all in how you look at it, right?

About two years ago, my parents bought a second trailer. When they were looking for trailers, they pulled me out to look with them because they were supposedly buying it for me to rent from them but when the time came to rent it, my dad couldn't tell me a price so I didn't say I would go there for sure. Then the next thing I know, he's renting it to my second youngest sister, Melissa.

This past June, my parents actually had to evict my sister and her family because they weren't paying the rent and pretty much damaged a lot of stuff on the inside. The plan was, since they bought the land, they were going to sell the other trailer and use that money to pay off the land and then start doing the work to the land so that we could move out there. Then he was going to put both up and then live in the one that didn't sell first. Then it was back to just selling the other trailer. Then he didn't know what he was doing.

The last time he was home (my dad works 21/7 at a camp job in one of the oil field companies around here) he decided that he was going to sell both trailers, or try to anyway. Not big deal, not really but when you think about it. It doesn't make any sense. Sell both trailers and then move into an apartment? Where would all of the stuff go? Rent a storage unit? What about the fact that my dad hates apartments? And the fact that he would end up paying more a month for the apartment and the storage unit than he's paying just to rent the land here in the trailer park. Yes, my parents live in a trailer park. Didn't always though, they do have a house down home.

When I spoke to my mom about this, she tells me there's nothing to worry about but she doesn't even bother to listen to what I have to say. I know, it's not really my place to say anything but damn it, you just talked me into moving back in to what? Move again? Into something that won't fit any of your needs for what? Seriously? What the hell is my dad thinking? Or is he? Can't he see that it's going to cost him more in the long run? Why can't he sell the other trailer - which he has a bid on and we are just waiting for the bank to finish the paperwork on - and start working on the land and the house. Move the trailer we are living in, out to the land after the utilities are hooked up or stay here in the park and then, when the house is finished, sell the trailer.

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something. Either way, it's added stress for me because I don't like the unknown and not knowing if I'm going to have to pack again and move within the next month or year isn't sitting well with me.

~checks my list~ no sleep, fighting, work, sister spending, moving or not.

Ok, so there's one last thing on my list.

The morning of August 29, I got a text from my best friend who just moved to Ontario to be with her boyfriend. She has only truly known this guy for a year although she has talked to him for years online. I happened to meet him the week they were here to pick up her stuff before she left for Ontario for good. He seemed alright, she seemed happy so you know, I was happy for her. She text me to tell me that he asked her to marry him and she said yes. Oh and she wanted to know if I would be her maid of honor. This is great news, I was happy for her and of course, I said yes.

That weekend was also the weekend that my youngest sister was moving, so I called Keith to see if the empty boxes that I didn't use in my move were still sitting in the spare room. When I asked him what he was up too, he told me that he was in the city, visiting his girlfriend! WTF? It was the first I heard about it!

Then I was on Facebook and saw that someone I was sorta friends with benfits with had a girlfriend as well.

I guess I could take the no sleep, the fighting, the not knowing if I'm staying or going, the work stress and trying to tame my sister's spending habits but it was the three of my friends starting relationships or moving into the next step that finally sent me over that first little cliff. I started to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Why was it that everyone else around me was doing something with their lives and meeting people yet I was still stuck in this sad rut? I cried, felt sorry for myself and tried to deal with it. I thought I was doing alright too.

But then this past week at work, with all the stress of the sale and inventory combined with the sudden shit talking, I truly think they've finally achieved the goal of driving me insane. It's gotten to the point where I have to say I don't care and walk away or I'll cry.

I feel that I have this big empty hole in me where my heart should be. I feel that I could disappear and no one would even notice. I feel that nothing I do matters. I feel that no one cares.

And I feel fear because the last time I felt remotely like this, I started cutting.

But yet, I don't think I'm to that point. Or maybe I don't want to be to that point. Although I'm afraid that something is going to snap. I'm afraid that I won't be the same.

Thanks for listening (reading). Don't feel sorry for me or worry about me, I'll be fine, I just have to work through this and figure out what's really going on. I know there are those out there who are having real issues and I feel like I'm being a whiny little bitch just by sharing but you know, sometimes you need to just throw it all out there just to deal with it. Hell, I'm sure that's why most of you blog about your real lives. Me, I'd rather stick to stories I can control.

Speaking of which, I guess I should shut up and get my ass over to the other blogs and do some writing!

Or maybe I'll sleep.

More and more my 'alone' time is slipping away. I feel like I should be able to do what I want when I want it but it seems that others think I should be doing what they want. I'm tired all the time, I don't have the energy to put into stuff I used to love to do and I fell like I'm becoming depressed about everything. I'm crying for no reason what so ever and I'm feeling super lonely. I want to help everyone with the shit that's going on in their lives, shit they are dumping on me but it's to the point where it's the same stuff all the time and I'm tired of hearing about it. How do you tell the people you love that you just don't want to hear it anymore and you wish they would grow the fuck up and leave you alone.

I would love to know what a long weekend is like without tears or arguments.

Just a few thoughts for today....

- The packing and moving fun stuff that I have to do before the end of this month isn't as exciting as it sounds...anyone want to come help me out?

- I would hate to be involved with the running of an application on Facebook at the moment, especially with the 'Big Bucks Lotto' application. Good lord, here I thought most of those people (players) were adults but the way most are acting, you would think they (players) were playing for real money and prizes.

- just because you think you are 'entitled' to something, doesn't make it so. Being related to someone who died with quite a bit of money, doesn't mean you should get any, especially if you didn't have give them the time of day while they were alive.

- yes, I read a lot but that doesn't mean that I'm able to read 'between the lines' nor does it mean I want too. I'd rather have someone tell me flat out, what they are thinking, then try to guess.

....damn it all, I had a few more but my roommate came home from work and now I have to go move stuff....boooooo!!

Playing The Game Without The Rules!

There's so much I want to write. I'm always writing. On paper. In my head. On the screen. It doesn't matter where it is, there is always something coming from me. And yet, some times I don't think I should write half of what I'm thinking. I worry. Too much, if you ask me. See I worry that if I spend too much time here, on this 'personal' blog, that it will take away from who you guys think I am when I write my story blogs. Can I share who I am and still make you forget all that when you read what Anna, Tanner, or whoever is coming up next, is doing?

~shrugs~ I really don't know. But I guess I'm going to find out.

Some thing had been bugging me lately. No, it's not my poor grammar, bad punctuation or horrible spelling. It's not the misuse of words or the complete deletion of a word. In fact it really has nothing to do with my writing. It had to do with my roommate.

As most of you know, my roommate is male. In fact, he is my ex boyfriend but that had nothing to do with anything at the moment.

Keith is 33 years old and only ever had two serious girlfriends in his life, as far as I know. He's 5'10, 210lbs. He shaves his head and it looks good on him. Well he looks his sexiest when he's all scruffy and whatnot but that's just my opinion. Keith has worked on and off in the tire industry for over ten years, so he's pretty strong - but he says he's not even half as strong as he used to be. He's a good guy, unfortunately, he just wasn't the guy for me.

A few months ago, Keith bought himself a laptop, and being a complete newbie, he needed me to show him a lot of stuff on there. One of the first things he did was sign up with eHarmony, he's tired of being alone and really wants to find someone to spend his life with. The second thing he did was sign up on Facebook - I got him into that - to see if he could find some old friends.

He was having some luck, on both eHarmony and Facebook. When he started to tell me about the women he was getting to know, I told him to be careful. 'Don't take it too seriously,' I told him. 'It doesn't always work out and you need to understand that before you get 'involved' with anyone.' I told him to learn from my past with people I've met on line. I'm not sure if he was really listening to me but he told me that he was.

So he was chatting with people, getting to know some more than others. It was nice, he seemed happier and I was all for that!

One evening I woke up and went to the fridge to get something to drink and I noticed a note on the fridge to remind him to go see some chick in Regina on the 20th of June. I never mentioned it for the longest time. Finally at the beginning of June, I asked him, 'so who's Starla?'

He told me that she was some chick that he was supposed to go meet but he hadn't heard from her in a while so he didn't think that he would be going down to see her.

Cool. I went about my business and got ready for work.

Maybe a week later, he tells me that he's going to Regina on the 20th - I guess Starla reappeared and they were going ahead with their plans to meet.

Awesome. I was looking forward to having the house to myself for the whole weekend.

So he goes down there, meets Starla and her three kids. From what he said, they had fun and they were planning on getting together again - I believe he was going down there the first weekend in August.

Not long after he got back, he started to get all bitchy. Snapping at me for no reason, being miserable and always talking about moving. I figured he was pmsing and avoided him as much as possible. As far as I knew, things were going fine between Starla and him. They would talk for a little almost every night and they were already saying, 'i love you'.

A couple weeks ago, I found out that all wasn't as it seemed. After finally having enough of his attitude, I told him to tell me what was going on with him or I was going to kick his ass. I told him I didn't do anything or say anything to him so I didn't deserve his pissy attitude.

"Tell me what's going on," I demanded.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but I can guarantee you that it wasn't what he told me.

"She might be pregnant."

I was shocked. "Oh?" I blinked a couple times, still trying to absorb that information all while thinking, oh God help us if she is.

I asked him why he thought that and he said that she told him she might be. So I asked if she had taken a test or anything.

"No," he informs me. "She said if she is, then she is."

"WHAT???" Can you tell I was very taken back by this?

He repeated what he said and I asked him if he was kidding me. I asked him who the hell told someone that they thought they were pregnant but refused to take a freaking test? I don't know about you guys but if I thought I was pregnant, I would make damn sure I was certain before telling the guy. You don't just throw that out there without backing it up!!

I had to go to work so I didn't have much time to talk to him about it but I did tell him to tell her to take a freaking test.

"I told her too," he told me. "But she won't."

Now, maybe it's me, but if the saying 'I love you' after a week didn't send up a red flag, telling him that she might be pregnant but don't finding out certainly did. I didn't say it to him but I couldn't help but wonder what the hell kinda game this chick was playing. My work friend - the one who had surgery - thinks she was trying to get pregnant. But why? I don't freaking know.

Anyway, I didn't say too much to him about what I thought of the situation but I did listen when he wanted to talk.

Now fast forward to last week. I came out of my room, it was nearing the time I had to leave to pick up my work friend. I said 'hey' to Keith like I always did - he was half laying on the couch on his laptop, like always.

"Hey," he said, totally not sounding like himself.

"What's going on?"

He sniffed - yes, he was crying! I couldn't freaking believe it! "Starla just broke up with me."

"Why?"

"Because of the distance," he stated.

I didn't have anything to say to that - I was going to be late for work. I asked him if he would be ok and he said he would, so I told him I would talk to him in the morning.

I get in my car, thinking about what he just told me and I honestly couldn't wrap my head around it. It didn't make sense to me.

After I picked up my work friend, and was back on the highway heading to work, I finally asked the question that was bugging me. "How the hell can you use distance as an excuse to break up when you knew about it going into the relationship?"

My work friend told me you couldn't. "It's bullshit."

Now, I think I mentioned that I tell my work friend everything, so he already knew about the whole pregnancy thing and he said it sounded like she was using Keith for something and it didn't work out like she planned.

That pissed me off. Keith is my friend, and for someone to pull this kinda bullshit with him was just wrong. I was so ready to drive the 14 hours or so to where she was, just to kick her ass!!

"I guess it's not really my place to say anything." I said to my work friend when I was done ranting about the situation.

He told me, "Yes it is. You are his friend and you have the responsibility to be honest with him about this."

So I told Keith what I thought the next morning when he woke up to get ready for work.

Then he drops this little bomb, "I'm still going to Regina in August - she made me promise to come say 'goodbye'."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I exclaimed, totally livid with this chicks balls. Who the fuck breaks up with a guy - over MSN of all places - and then has the nerve to make him promise to drive 14 fucking hours to say 'goodbye'??? Who the hell does she think she is? She cannot fuck with him like that! It's just wrong!

It would take me a day or two to calm down enough to tell him that I thought it was a waste of his time and money to go down there. He told me that he knew that and didn't think he was going to do it anyway.

I thought everything was fine. He seemed a lot better, he was even back to chatting with other women on line and on the phone.

But his Facebook status said that he was still seeing her, so I asked him about it. "I don't know how to change it," he told me and then got me to show him how.

Last night, I think, I got up for work and came out here. He told me that Starla wrote him an email something along the lines of, 'I see you changed your profile to single, I see how you are, I deleted you from my friends list.'

I asked him how the hell she could be mad when she was the one who broke up with him! He told me that he told her he was leave his status like it was unless something changed.

Oh for the love of God! I cannot believe this. Seriously! Can anyone tell me what the hell they are thinking? I know if someone broke up with me, I sure as hell wouldn't be promising them anything! And if I were the one who broke up with someone - through MSN because I was a chicken shit to be adult about it and call them - I certainly wouldn't be acting like a baby when they changed their status to single because you know what? That's what he is!

~shakes my head~ Am I missing something here? Is this normal behaviour for two 30 - somethings? If it is, then I'm going to hold on to the last two years of my 20s with all my might!

Giving Up? Or Growing Up?

Right about now a co-worker of mine should be on in the middle of having surgrey. I hope everything goes well for him. He is, by far, the closest thing I have to a real friend at the moment. He is the only one that I feel I can talk to about anything. I spend more time talking to him than I do most of the people I have known for a while. More than my family, more than my roommate.

And the sad thing? He could probably care less about the stuff I tell him. It's not like he tells me he doesn't want to know or gets there and does the 'one grunt' repsonse that most men do. He really listens and asks questions or talks it through with me. And we don't only talk about my stuff, we talk about things with him as well. I enjoy talking to him. He's a good guy.

And I have the biggest crush on him. I have since I first transfered here. I believe he knows about it because I made the mistake of telling one of the biggest mouths at my store about it and, from what she said, she told him. Of course, this was almost three years ago now, so maybe he thinks I'm over it. Or maybe he forgot. Or maybe he just doesn't care. I really don't know.

A year or two ago, I would've been all nervous and wondering if he liked me back or if he thought I was a comeplete moron but now? Well, I still wonder if he likes me but I don't think about it as much. I like to tell myself that it's because I know he doesn't like me like that. But the truth of the matter is, I'm to the point where I'm giving up on finding a guy for anything romance related. I find myself, more often than not, meeting a guy and thinking, 'what kind of friend will he make?'

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not about to turn anyone down if they are interested in me romantically - that would be just plain silly - I've just decided that right now, friendship is my main goal.

It hurts less that way.

Scared S***less

I don't often write stuff that happens in my everyday life because I really don't think what goes on is either bit interesting to anyone else besides me. My life is nothing like my stories, so times I wish it were.

There are many things that go on in the run of a day for me - most times it's just normal, boring run of the mill stuff. Most days, I arrive home between 7:30 - 8 am. If I don't have too much going on, I'll get something to eat and sit in the living room on my laptop while watching TV or a movie. While I sit there, I'm also trying to think of the best way to tell the stories that have been floating around in my head for as long as I can remember. By mid afternoon, I either say screw it and go to bed or post an entry and go to bed. By 9 I'm up to get ready for work. That's my basic schedule if there's nothing going on.

Today should've been one of those days. I arrived home at 7:45 am and I didn't have anything big planned. I was going to write all morning and then do some errands in the afternoon. Only when I got home, my roommate asked if I would follow him to the car dealership so that he could put his car in their garage so that they could replace the speaker on the car he just bought. From there we spent the next three hours or so running from here to there and back again.

When I finally got home and did all the house stuff that I wanted to do, I settled down to write a post for 'View'. That entry took a while because I was watching TV, showing my roommate some stuff on his laptop (he's a computer newbie), and chatting along with the writing.

It was almost 4 by the time I finally said screw it and went into my room to try to get some sleep for tonight.

By now standards it was a pretty normal, boring day.

Or it was up until I got comfortable in my bed. That's when the phone rang and my roommate called out to tell me that my youngest sister, Sondra was on the phone and it was an emergency.

My sister has three kids - Calista (4), Dakota (3), and Sieanna (2) - they are very active kids and often end up with bumps and bruises from their playing around, eg. couple weeks ago Sieanna fell and busted open her lip. So when my sister called and said that there was an emergency, I expected her to need me to take one of the kids to the hospital or something.

I didn't expect her to say, "Calista is gone."

Now if most of you are like me, you've seen a few crime shows in your lifetime. Images of missing child and the bad things that can happen would flash through your mind, like they did mine as Sondra was frantically telling me that she looked for Calista and couldn't find her.

"She was out in the hallway..."

"It was only for a second..."

"What do I do...?"

"She was wearing...Oh God what was she wearing?"

"I should call the police...I have to call the police."

We hung up so she could do that last one.

My roommate was standing in my doorway. I sat up in bed and told him that Calista was missing. He turned and bolted for his keys, "I'm going over there."

"Wait for me," I yelled after him as I jumped out of bed and quickly pulled on some dirty work clothes that laid in a pile on the floor by my bed.

He was out in his car before I was even outta bed it seemed.

We drove down main street, faster than we should've.

"If you speed I can't look for her!" I snapped and he slowed down - barely.

We pulled up to the curb outside my sister's apartment building and jumped out of the car. The first thing I saw was my niece about two blocks away. "That little fucker," I exclaimed as I took off towards her. I know it isn't something you normally would say but I wasn't thinking, I was scared and worried as well as happy and relieved.

My roommate ran down the sidewalk, yelling for her to stay where she was; she was facing the main road as if she was going to cross it. There were cars coming at a speed of 70km/h, as the road that runs by my sister's apartment building is one of the roads out of town.

When I got to my roommate, who was carrying Calista back to me, I grabbed her and told her that she scared us. "What were you doing? You know you don't go anywhere without mommy."

"I was chasing bees," she said in a cool, calm voice. "I don't like them." The innocent way she said it, as if she was telling me about some toy she played with or some food she ate, made me want to cry.

"You know you don't go anywhere without mommy," I repeated because I didn't know what else to say.

I was walking back to my sister's place with Calista in my arms and my cell phone in my hand. I tried to call my sister but she wasn't answering either of her phones - she was on the house phone with the police so she wasn't answering the cell.

My sister bawled when she saw me walk into her place with her daughter in my arms.

Stuff From The Past

A year ago I was doing some personal blogging on MSN's Spaces. A couple days ago I was rereading some of the stuff I wrote and besides thinking that I'm an absolute nut job, I found myself laughing at this post from February 23, 2007. I just thought I'd share with everyone. I may do that for other older posts, to give some insight on who I was and what was going on ~l~

The Shortest Romance of My Life

Three weeks ago I became the happiest woman in the world...ok, maybe not the happiest in the entire world, but I was pretty damn happy. Life was good, work was even fun...now you know I was giddily happy. And that may not even be the correct usage of that word but I don't care, it's not the point. The point was I thought that I was invincible, that nothing in the world would ever ruin my happiness...I was so certain that nothing would ever come between us. Yes, I know that's pretty deep feelings for only three weeks but I felt it the moment I got my first glimpse. Ahhhh, it was love at first sight. Well, maybe not first sight, honestly I didn't want to like, I didn't really want to look but once I went for a spin......woooboy! let me tell you, it was amazing!

Sadly, like all my relationships, this one turned cold. Or in this case, ice did damage that I couldn't repair and my love is now far away from me, we don't see each other and all I ever do is think about the great times and wish they didn't end so soon. But I have hope that all is not lost! Oh yes, I am determined to get that loving feeling back again. It will cost me, but I don't mind spending the money, there are some things that you just have to do for love.

As I write this, it's been four days since I last saw the object of my affection, I had to leave it sitting in the cold unforgiving bleak bay at Fountain Tire, for my love, my car - which I affectionately refer to as Cavy - needs a transmission transplant ~sobs uncontrollably~ oh Cavy! why oh why did we have to drive over that 'snow'? Could we have avoided this separation? How long will it be before we are reunited and get to take those long drives down highway 28? ~sobs~ Oh how I miss you!