I'm The Screen, The Blinding Light

Buried Beneath The Sheets, I Think She's Having A Meltdown

2008-09-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you think something is for the better but it ends up being just as bad, if not worse than what you were hoping to change.

When I moved in July, I wasn't moving into a new apartment or anything exciting like that. While that would've been nice, I actually moved back with my parents. There were many reasons for this move, and believe it or not, none of them had to do with money - it's costing the same, if not more, to live here with my parents.

- The months leading up to my decision to move, I was losing all patience with my roommate and his mood swings. As you all read a couple post back, Keith was dealing with the crazy chick and it was making him the bitchiest person alive. There wasn't a moment that went by when he wasn't biting my head off or snapping at me for nothing at all. It got to the point where I would pretend I was in my room sleeping just to avoid him.

Besides the issues with his crazy ex, Keith was also having issues at work. He had been promised a raise, which never happened and instead of talking to his boss and straightening it out, he would bitch to me and tell me that he was going to quit his job. Now, that's all fine and dandy, it's not that difficult to find a job around here. He could probably leave his and have another one within a couple hours but that's not the point. The point is, he's so far in debt that he needs the job he has because the chances that he'll get another one that will pay what he needs right off the bat is slim. Unless, of course, he goes to the oil fields, which he doesn't want to do at all.

So being at home wasn't relaxing at all.

- As most of you know, I'm an aunt to 12 kids. Of those 12 kids, two are in Ohio, three are back home in Newfoundland and the remaining 7 are here in Alberta.

Working nights like I do, I barely got to see those kids unless I happened to be over to my parents house or my sisters dropped by for something. This past summer, I decided that I was going to spend more time with them before they were too old and didn't want to have anything to do with me! So a few times, on my day's off, I would invite them over for a BBQ and run around the backyard with the kids. It was fun and when they would leave I would miss them. (Sidenote: my roommate pretty much hates my family and has as far back as the time that we were dating. Whenever they were over, he got all bitchy and would make snide remarks while there were there and afterwards as well.)

I felt like I was missing out of their lives. They went from babies to school in no time at all it seemed and I hadn't spent that much time with them at all. But they thought I was the coolest and loved me despite never seeing me!

I was feeling uncomfortable at home and guilty because I was missing the kids lives. I was looking to change my life so that I would be happier and have more time for my family since, at the moment, they are the only people I have.

Then that 'change' I was looking for happened. Sort of. My mom had been asking me for years to move back and I guess, according to her, my dad had been asking her for the last year or so, if I was thinking about moving back. I wasn't, I told them that but they still kept asking. When my mom told me that they bought an acreage about 15 minutes closer to where I work, and said that they would build a spot for me, I have to admit, it caught my attention.

Of course, I didn't jump at it right away because, let's face it, I'm going to be 28 in December and the idea of living with my parents again, wasn't exactly getting me super excited but it was a way to get away from Keith before our friendship was destroyed and it also guaranteed that I would get to see my nieces and nephews more because they were always over at my parents house.

So in July, I finally gave in and moved back in with my parents.

It seemed to go alright at first. Everything was good, I was happy and things seemed to be getting better. But then, it all started to go down hill and everyone went back to the way they always have been.

My youngest sisters love to fight with each other, I swear. It seems that not a moment goes by where they aren't calling each other names and throwing their past mistakes back in each other's faces. My mom gets in on it, thinking that she's helping when she isn't because she takes one side and doesn't realize she's doing it. Or maybe she does realize it, I don't know. Anyway, I try to stay out of it but its hard when they bring it into my room and won't leave.

For the last couple weeks, I haven't been getting any sleep because my sisters come over here with their kids and stay. All day. It doesn't matter if mom has things she has to do, they don't care. They'll come over, let their kids run free and bitch about each other and whatever else they feel like. The kids have Treehouse (cartoon channel) on loud as they run around playing, screaming, fighting, whatever. Meanwhile I'm trying to sleep because I have to work and I can't.

My mom, thinking it's going to make a difference, tells the kids to be quiet, I'm trying to sleep but it doesn't matter. Then, sooner or later, my mom starts yelling, at the kids, at the girls or just bitching to herself because she can't do what she wants on her days off. Meanwhile, the girls are too busy not watching their kids.

~sigh~

If I were to tell the girls that they have to keep the kids quiet or leave, they start bitching at me. One day, they were all here and left. Mom went to do whatever she had to do and I went to bed. Not even an hour after I went to bed, I was woken up by Treehouse blaring and screaming kids. I was tired and cranky. I went out into the living room where my youngest sister, who had to move at the end of last month, was sitting on the couch while the kids ran wild. I believe I told her to go home - I was tired and cranky, that's my excuse. She pretty much told me that I had no right to tell her to leave and she was visiting my mom. Looking around, I asked her where mom was - she didn't know.

She went on and on about she had every right to be there and blah, blah, blah. I told her she was inconsiderate because she knew I had to work that night and didn't have the common sense to stay away or keep her kids quite. She pretty much told me to fuck off.

It wouldn't be so bad if this was an isolated case but it wasn't. It's just one of the many times that I only got an hour or so of sleep in before having to go to work because of them.

Lack of sleep. Reason number one that I've been feeling less like myself than normal.

Reason two? Stress at work.

For the last year or so, I've been working in Electronics in my store. (My store isn't 24 hours all year around, just so you all know. It's only 24 hours around Christmas.) At the end of Sept or Oct of last year, management was told by the district manager that there needed to be someone in Electronics all night, every night because of the amount of sales the department does and the fact that the day shifts weren't suppose to be doing stock, they were supposed to be concentrating on customers.

When the managers were told this, they all seemed to think I was the best one for the role so I was moved over from infants to electronics. I was given the chance to pick the 2nd person, they one who would be in the department helping me and working it on their own when I was on my day's off - I picked the guy I've been crushing on since I started at this store. No, it wasn't because I was crushing on him and wanted to work with him all night, every night. I did it because there wasn't anyone else who could do the job as well as I could. Plus, I didn't really trust anyone else in the store to not screw things up.

Anyway. From the beginning there were issues with me being in there all night. The over night manager kept taking me out and moving me into other departments when there wasn't that much stock on the truck report. Then the Store manager would come in and be all pissed off when all the extra things he wanted done, weren't done. It went back and forth like that for a good month or so before I told them to make up their minds because they were driving me insane.

It's funny that I would say that, seeing that it's been almost a year later and every single night, I swear they are driving me more and more insane.

It started out as little things. Change this, change it back, no change it again. Then it was moving stuff around on me and then telling me to change it back. Setting, resetting and setting MODs over and over again in four or five different places. Giving me 4-ways and stackbases for stock and taking them away again until I had nowhere to feature anything. It was all taking it's toll on me and it didn't help that I wasn't getting the 2nd person to help anymore. The department was mine and mine alone.

It's been nothing but a constant fight to stay ahead. And I was actually ahead for a while. Then I went on vacation. I was only on vacation for two weeks - 14 days - not enough time to ruin anything you would think but that wasn't so. I walked back into the store on my first night back and everything was a mess. The lock up in the back I couldn't even get into because they had stock piled/thrown all over the floor. There were skids and skids of stuff that was marked overstock but it wasn't. And then there were carts of stock that had to be worked from days before.

It was a mess but to be honest, I kinda expected it. Every single department I ever worked was a mess when I came back from vacation. It was like no one else knew how to do anything. And the mess wouldn't have been so bad, I would've had it all under control by the end of that week but the management team - store manager and swas leader mainly - decided that this was a good time for me to reset the entire department three or four times only to have to change it again when the new MODs dropped - all at once. It would take me a month before I had the time to actually go back into the lock up and work the freight out - of course, I would have to deal with the skids in the back first.

Now maybe it doesn't sound that bad. And normally it wouldn't faze me but remember, all this time I'm barely sleeping.

In the last couple weeks at work, it's been one big headache. The first week in October Walmarts here have an anniversary sale. This year, they decided that they were going to have a 'pre anniversary sale' (last week) and then the actual sale (this week). Not a big deal, sales happen all the time. Just like Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, all of which we are dealing with at this time as well. But this year, just to make things more exciting, they have my store's inventory scheduled for the week after the sale ends. Next Tuesday to be exact.

The actual inventory day isn't a big deal, the company the hired to count will come in and do their thing. It's the time leading up to inventory that's fun. Not only do I have to clean up the mess that the day staff keeps leaving in the back room every day, work the truck stock that comes in, make decisions on where to put product and make sure things are ready to go in the morning for customers, I also have a list of other things I had to do. Recently our store ended it's layaway program so I was told that the layaway lock up was now a 2nd Electronics lock up and everything that was in the back room in the steel was to come down and go into that lock up. So I had to take everything, inventory prep it and put it into our new lock up. Then the company changed the binning program for the back room in hopes that it will help on hands, so now I have to go through, make sure everything is labelled with the new inventory labels and scanned into the new system. But first, my lock up bins have to be set up, which they aren't. And did I mention they want that all done before inventory? So I have until Tuesday to get the two lock ups in order and ready.

Not a big deal though, right? Many people can't get sleep and have piles of work tossed on them until the feel like they are drowning.

Maybe it wouldn't seem so bad if there weren't other things going on.

When my youngest sister had to move from her apartment into a three bedroom house, she asked me to help her get her finances under control. All her life she never had to budget so now she's in the hole close to $20, 000, which wouldn't be so bad but she had nothing to show for it. The money she owes is to utility companies and my parents, mainly. She isn't working, only her husband is and she has three young kids. She's not even 21 yet and if she continues the way she's going, she will never get out of this hole she's dug.

Being the nice sister I am, I said yes, I would help her out. Little did she know that with me helping her, she would have to justify ever single cent she spent. I went over there on a Sunday afternoon to go through their finances and figure out what was going on. Oh my freaking God, my head was spinning from the totals they were giving me! I couldn't believe that they owed so much to utilities! Taking a deep breath, I gave them a list of things that I needed them to do for me - find out exact balances and stuff like that - and I told them that they needed to cut back on their spending until we dealt with the deposits they would need for power, gas and water for their new place. Plus, I wanted them to leave their money alone until we knew when all their bills were due - they didn't have any of the older bills and couldn't tell me when they were due or how much they owed.

I thought I got through to them, the day after I went over there, my sister went through and did everything on the list that I gave her and she didn't spend anything. A couple days later I got into their account (she gave me all the passwords and stuff for all their stuff) to see about paying something. I damn near had a heart attack when I saw their balance. Right away I was grabbing my phone and calling Sondra. I ripped into her, demanding to know that the hell she was doing and what she wasted her money on. I told her that I can't help them if they don't listen to me.

Over the next couple minutes, I went through her account, listed where and what she spent and she told me what it was. Of the $500 they spent in the one day, only about $150-$200 wasn't wasted on stuff they didn't need.

The following Sunday I checked her balance again and once again, I flipped. Then, instead of calling her, I grabbed a piece of paper and started to categorize the money they spent. Of the $1500 they spent that week, $1000 of it was wasted. When they came over for lunch that day, I sat them down, showed them what they were spending and once again lectured them.

I don't know. I guess it's not really my concern but they did ask for my help and it worries me that they, while they have gotten a little better, they still don't seem to understand that they have a problem and it's only going to ruin their lives if they don't deal with it now.

So let's see - not sleeping, dealing with family fighting, stress at work, trying to control my sister's spending - not too bad.

Then again, it's all in how you look at it, right?

About two years ago, my parents bought a second trailer. When they were looking for trailers, they pulled me out to look with them because they were supposedly buying it for me to rent from them but when the time came to rent it, my dad couldn't tell me a price so I didn't say I would go there for sure. Then the next thing I know, he's renting it to my second youngest sister, Melissa.

This past June, my parents actually had to evict my sister and her family because they weren't paying the rent and pretty much damaged a lot of stuff on the inside. The plan was, since they bought the land, they were going to sell the other trailer and use that money to pay off the land and then start doing the work to the land so that we could move out there. Then he was going to put both up and then live in the one that didn't sell first. Then it was back to just selling the other trailer. Then he didn't know what he was doing.

The last time he was home (my dad works 21/7 at a camp job in one of the oil field companies around here) he decided that he was going to sell both trailers, or try to anyway. Not big deal, not really but when you think about it. It doesn't make any sense. Sell both trailers and then move into an apartment? Where would all of the stuff go? Rent a storage unit? What about the fact that my dad hates apartments? And the fact that he would end up paying more a month for the apartment and the storage unit than he's paying just to rent the land here in the trailer park. Yes, my parents live in a trailer park. Didn't always though, they do have a house down home.

When I spoke to my mom about this, she tells me there's nothing to worry about but she doesn't even bother to listen to what I have to say. I know, it's not really my place to say anything but damn it, you just talked me into moving back in to what? Move again? Into something that won't fit any of your needs for what? Seriously? What the hell is my dad thinking? Or is he? Can't he see that it's going to cost him more in the long run? Why can't he sell the other trailer - which he has a bid on and we are just waiting for the bank to finish the paperwork on - and start working on the land and the house. Move the trailer we are living in, out to the land after the utilities are hooked up or stay here in the park and then, when the house is finished, sell the trailer.

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something. Either way, it's added stress for me because I don't like the unknown and not knowing if I'm going to have to pack again and move within the next month or year isn't sitting well with me.

~checks my list~ no sleep, fighting, work, sister spending, moving or not.

Ok, so there's one last thing on my list.

The morning of August 29, I got a text from my best friend who just moved to Ontario to be with her boyfriend. She has only truly known this guy for a year although she has talked to him for years online. I happened to meet him the week they were here to pick up her stuff before she left for Ontario for good. He seemed alright, she seemed happy so you know, I was happy for her. She text me to tell me that he asked her to marry him and she said yes. Oh and she wanted to know if I would be her maid of honor. This is great news, I was happy for her and of course, I said yes.

That weekend was also the weekend that my youngest sister was moving, so I called Keith to see if the empty boxes that I didn't use in my move were still sitting in the spare room. When I asked him what he was up too, he told me that he was in the city, visiting his girlfriend! WTF? It was the first I heard about it!

Then I was on Facebook and saw that someone I was sorta friends with benfits with had a girlfriend as well.

I guess I could take the no sleep, the fighting, the not knowing if I'm staying or going, the work stress and trying to tame my sister's spending habits but it was the three of my friends starting relationships or moving into the next step that finally sent me over that first little cliff. I started to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Why was it that everyone else around me was doing something with their lives and meeting people yet I was still stuck in this sad rut? I cried, felt sorry for myself and tried to deal with it. I thought I was doing alright too.

But then this past week at work, with all the stress of the sale and inventory combined with the sudden shit talking, I truly think they've finally achieved the goal of driving me insane. It's gotten to the point where I have to say I don't care and walk away or I'll cry.

I feel that I have this big empty hole in me where my heart should be. I feel that I could disappear and no one would even notice. I feel that nothing I do matters. I feel that no one cares.

And I feel fear because the last time I felt remotely like this, I started cutting.

But yet, I don't think I'm to that point. Or maybe I don't want to be to that point. Although I'm afraid that something is going to snap. I'm afraid that I won't be the same.

Thanks for listening (reading). Don't feel sorry for me or worry about me, I'll be fine, I just have to work through this and figure out what's really going on. I know there are those out there who are having real issues and I feel like I'm being a whiny little bitch just by sharing but you know, sometimes you need to just throw it all out there just to deal with it. Hell, I'm sure that's why most of you blog about your real lives. Me, I'd rather stick to stories I can control.

Speaking of which, I guess I should shut up and get my ass over to the other blogs and do some writing!

Or maybe I'll sleep.

2008-08-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

More and more my 'alone' time is slipping away. I feel like I should be able to do what I want when I want it but it seems that others think I should be doing what they want. I'm tired all the time, I don't have the energy to put into stuff I used to love to do and I fell like I'm becoming depressed about everything. I'm crying for no reason what so ever and I'm feeling super lonely. I want to help everyone with the shit that's going on in their lives, shit they are dumping on me but it's to the point where it's the same stuff all the time and I'm tired of hearing about it. How do you tell the people you love that you just don't want to hear it anymore and you wish they would grow the fuck up and leave you alone.

I would love to know what a long weekend is like without tears or arguments.

2008-07-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Just a few thoughts for today....

- The packing and moving fun stuff that I have to do before the end of this month isn't as exciting as it sounds...anyone want to come help me out?

- I would hate to be involved with the running of an application on Facebook at the moment, especially with the 'Big Bucks Lotto' application. Good lord, here I thought most of those people (players) were adults but the way most are acting, you would think they (players) were playing for real money and prizes.

- just because you think you are 'entitled' to something, doesn't make it so. Being related to someone who died with quite a bit of money, doesn't mean you should get any, especially if you didn't have give them the time of day while they were alive.

- yes, I read a lot but that doesn't mean that I'm able to read 'between the lines' nor does it mean I want too. I'd rather have someone tell me flat out, what they are thinking, then try to guess.

....damn it all, I had a few more but my roommate came home from work and now I have to go move stuff....boooooo!!

Playing The Game Without The Rules!

2008-07-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

There's so much I want to write. I'm always writing. On paper. In my head. On the screen. It doesn't matter where it is, there is always something coming from me. And yet, some times I don't think I should write half of what I'm thinking. I worry. Too much, if you ask me. See I worry that if I spend too much time here, on this 'personal' blog, that it will take away from who you guys think I am when I write my story blogs. Can I share who I am and still make you forget all that when you read what Anna, Tanner, or whoever is coming up next, is doing?

~shrugs~ I really don't know. But I guess I'm going to find out.

Some thing had been bugging me lately. No, it's not my poor grammar, bad punctuation or horrible spelling. It's not the misuse of words or the complete deletion of a word. In fact it really has nothing to do with my writing. It had to do with my roommate.

As most of you know, my roommate is male. In fact, he is my ex boyfriend but that had nothing to do with anything at the moment.

Keith is 33 years old and only ever had two serious girlfriends in his life, as far as I know. He's 5'10, 210lbs. He shaves his head and it looks good on him. Well he looks his sexiest when he's all scruffy and whatnot but that's just my opinion. Keith has worked on and off in the tire industry for over ten years, so he's pretty strong - but he says he's not even half as strong as he used to be. He's a good guy, unfortunately, he just wasn't the guy for me.

A few months ago, Keith bought himself a laptop, and being a complete newbie, he needed me to show him a lot of stuff on there. One of the first things he did was sign up with eHarmony, he's tired of being alone and really wants to find someone to spend his life with. The second thing he did was sign up on Facebook - I got him into that - to see if he could find some old friends.

He was having some luck, on both eHarmony and Facebook. When he started to tell me about the women he was getting to know, I told him to be careful. 'Don't take it too seriously,' I told him. 'It doesn't always work out and you need to understand that before you get 'involved' with anyone.' I told him to learn from my past with people I've met on line. I'm not sure if he was really listening to me but he told me that he was.

So he was chatting with people, getting to know some more than others. It was nice, he seemed happier and I was all for that!

One evening I woke up and went to the fridge to get something to drink and I noticed a note on the fridge to remind him to go see some chick in Regina on the 20th of June. I never mentioned it for the longest time. Finally at the beginning of June, I asked him, 'so who's Starla?'

He told me that she was some chick that he was supposed to go meet but he hadn't heard from her in a while so he didn't think that he would be going down to see her.

Cool. I went about my business and got ready for work.

Maybe a week later, he tells me that he's going to Regina on the 20th - I guess Starla reappeared and they were going ahead with their plans to meet.

Awesome. I was looking forward to having the house to myself for the whole weekend.

So he goes down there, meets Starla and her three kids. From what he said, they had fun and they were planning on getting together again - I believe he was going down there the first weekend in August.

Not long after he got back, he started to get all bitchy. Snapping at me for no reason, being miserable and always talking about moving. I figured he was pmsing and avoided him as much as possible. As far as I knew, things were going fine between Starla and him. They would talk for a little almost every night and they were already saying, 'i love you'.

A couple weeks ago, I found out that all wasn't as it seemed. After finally having enough of his attitude, I told him to tell me what was going on with him or I was going to kick his ass. I told him I didn't do anything or say anything to him so I didn't deserve his pissy attitude.

"Tell me what's going on," I demanded.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but I can guarantee you that it wasn't what he told me.

"She might be pregnant."

I was shocked. "Oh?" I blinked a couple times, still trying to absorb that information all while thinking, oh God help us if she is.

I asked him why he thought that and he said that she told him she might be. So I asked if she had taken a test or anything.

"No," he informs me. "She said if she is, then she is."

"WHAT???" Can you tell I was very taken back by this?

He repeated what he said and I asked him if he was kidding me. I asked him who the hell told someone that they thought they were pregnant but refused to take a freaking test? I don't know about you guys but if I thought I was pregnant, I would make damn sure I was certain before telling the guy. You don't just throw that out there without backing it up!!

I had to go to work so I didn't have much time to talk to him about it but I did tell him to tell her to take a freaking test.

"I told her too," he told me. "But she won't."

Now, maybe it's me, but if the saying 'I love you' after a week didn't send up a red flag, telling him that she might be pregnant but don't finding out certainly did. I didn't say it to him but I couldn't help but wonder what the hell kinda game this chick was playing. My work friend - the one who had surgery - thinks she was trying to get pregnant. But why? I don't freaking know.

Anyway, I didn't say too much to him about what I thought of the situation but I did listen when he wanted to talk.

Now fast forward to last week. I came out of my room, it was nearing the time I had to leave to pick up my work friend. I said 'hey' to Keith like I always did - he was half laying on the couch on his laptop, like always.

"Hey," he said, totally not sounding like himself.

"What's going on?"

He sniffed - yes, he was crying! I couldn't freaking believe it! "Starla just broke up with me."

"Why?"

"Because of the distance," he stated.

I didn't have anything to say to that - I was going to be late for work. I asked him if he would be ok and he said he would, so I told him I would talk to him in the morning.

I get in my car, thinking about what he just told me and I honestly couldn't wrap my head around it. It didn't make sense to me.

After I picked up my work friend, and was back on the highway heading to work, I finally asked the question that was bugging me. "How the hell can you use distance as an excuse to break up when you knew about it going into the relationship?"

My work friend told me you couldn't. "It's bullshit."

Now, I think I mentioned that I tell my work friend everything, so he already knew about the whole pregnancy thing and he said it sounded like she was using Keith for something and it didn't work out like she planned.

That pissed me off. Keith is my friend, and for someone to pull this kinda bullshit with him was just wrong. I was so ready to drive the 14 hours or so to where she was, just to kick her ass!!

"I guess it's not really my place to say anything." I said to my work friend when I was done ranting about the situation.

He told me, "Yes it is. You are his friend and you have the responsibility to be honest with him about this."

So I told Keith what I thought the next morning when he woke up to get ready for work.

Then he drops this little bomb, "I'm still going to Regina in August - she made me promise to come say 'goodbye'."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I exclaimed, totally livid with this chicks balls. Who the fuck breaks up with a guy - over MSN of all places - and then has the nerve to make him promise to drive 14 fucking hours to say 'goodbye'??? Who the hell does she think she is? She cannot fuck with him like that! It's just wrong!

It would take me a day or two to calm down enough to tell him that I thought it was a waste of his time and money to go down there. He told me that he knew that and didn't think he was going to do it anyway.

I thought everything was fine. He seemed a lot better, he was even back to chatting with other women on line and on the phone.

But his Facebook status said that he was still seeing her, so I asked him about it. "I don't know how to change it," he told me and then got me to show him how.

Last night, I think, I got up for work and came out here. He told me that Starla wrote him an email something along the lines of, 'I see you changed your profile to single, I see how you are, I deleted you from my friends list.'

I asked him how the hell she could be mad when she was the one who broke up with him! He told me that he told her he was leave his status like it was unless something changed.

Oh for the love of God! I cannot believe this. Seriously! Can anyone tell me what the hell they are thinking? I know if someone broke up with me, I sure as hell wouldn't be promising them anything! And if I were the one who broke up with someone - through MSN because I was a chicken shit to be adult about it and call them - I certainly wouldn't be acting like a baby when they changed their status to single because you know what? That's what he is!

~shakes my head~ Am I missing something here? Is this normal behaviour for two 30 - somethings? If it is, then I'm going to hold on to the last two years of my 20s with all my might!

Giving Up? Or Growing Up?

2008-07-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

Right about now a co-worker of mine should be on in the middle of having surgrey. I hope everything goes well for him. He is, by far, the closest thing I have to a real friend at the moment. He is the only one that I feel I can talk to about anything. I spend more time talking to him than I do most of the people I have known for a while. More than my family, more than my roommate.

And the sad thing? He could probably care less about the stuff I tell him. It's not like he tells me he doesn't want to know or gets there and does the 'one grunt' repsonse that most men do. He really listens and asks questions or talks it through with me. And we don't only talk about my stuff, we talk about things with him as well. I enjoy talking to him. He's a good guy.

And I have the biggest crush on him. I have since I first transfered here. I believe he knows about it because I made the mistake of telling one of the biggest mouths at my store about it and, from what she said, she told him. Of course, this was almost three years ago now, so maybe he thinks I'm over it. Or maybe he forgot. Or maybe he just doesn't care. I really don't know.

A year or two ago, I would've been all nervous and wondering if he liked me back or if he thought I was a comeplete moron but now? Well, I still wonder if he likes me but I don't think about it as much. I like to tell myself that it's because I know he doesn't like me like that. But the truth of the matter is, I'm to the point where I'm giving up on finding a guy for anything romance related. I find myself, more often than not, meeting a guy and thinking, 'what kind of friend will he make?'

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not about to turn anyone down if they are interested in me romantically - that would be just plain silly - I've just decided that right now, friendship is my main goal.

It hurts less that way.

Scared S***less

2008-05-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

I don't often write stuff that happens in my everyday life because I really don't think what goes on is either bit interesting to anyone else besides me. My life is nothing like my stories, so times I wish it were.

There are many things that go on in the run of a day for me - most times it's just normal, boring run of the mill stuff. Most days, I arrive home between 7:30 - 8 am. If I don't have too much going on, I'll get something to eat and sit in the living room on my laptop while watching TV or a movie. While I sit there, I'm also trying to think of the best way to tell the stories that have been floating around in my head for as long as I can remember. By mid afternoon, I either say screw it and go to bed or post an entry and go to bed. By 9 I'm up to get ready for work. That's my basic schedule if there's nothing going on.

Today should've been one of those days. I arrived home at 7:45 am and I didn't have anything big planned. I was going to write all morning and then do some errands in the afternoon. Only when I got home, my roommate asked if I would follow him to the car dealership so that he could put his car in their garage so that they could replace the speaker on the car he just bought. From there we spent the next three hours or so running from here to there and back again.

When I finally got home and did all the house stuff that I wanted to do, I settled down to write a post for 'View'. That entry took a while because I was watching TV, showing my roommate some stuff on his laptop (he's a computer newbie), and chatting along with the writing.

It was almost 4 by the time I finally said screw it and went into my room to try to get some sleep for tonight.

By now standards it was a pretty normal, boring day.

Or it was up until I got comfortable in my bed. That's when the phone rang and my roommate called out to tell me that my youngest sister, Sondra was on the phone and it was an emergency.

My sister has three kids - Calista (4), Dakota (3), and Sieanna (2) - they are very active kids and often end up with bumps and bruises from their playing around, eg. couple weeks ago Sieanna fell and busted open her lip. So when my sister called and said that there was an emergency, I expected her to need me to take one of the kids to the hospital or something.

I didn't expect her to say, "Calista is gone."

Now if most of you are like me, you've seen a few crime shows in your lifetime. Images of missing child and the bad things that can happen would flash through your mind, like they did mine as Sondra was frantically telling me that she looked for Calista and couldn't find her.

"She was out in the hallway..."

"It was only for a second..."

"What do I do...?"

"She was wearing...Oh God what was she wearing?"

"I should call the police...I have to call the police."

We hung up so she could do that last one.

My roommate was standing in my doorway. I sat up in bed and told him that Calista was missing. He turned and bolted for his keys, "I'm going over there."

"Wait for me," I yelled after him as I jumped out of bed and quickly pulled on some dirty work clothes that laid in a pile on the floor by my bed.

He was out in his car before I was even outta bed it seemed.

We drove down main street, faster than we should've.

"If you speed I can't look for her!" I snapped and he slowed down - barely.

We pulled up to the curb outside my sister's apartment building and jumped out of the car. The first thing I saw was my niece about two blocks away. "That little fucker," I exclaimed as I took off towards her. I know it isn't something you normally would say but I wasn't thinking, I was scared and worried as well as happy and relieved.

My roommate ran down the sidewalk, yelling for her to stay where she was; she was facing the main road as if she was going to cross it. There were cars coming at a speed of 70km/h, as the road that runs by my sister's apartment building is one of the roads out of town.

When I got to my roommate, who was carrying Calista back to me, I grabbed her and told her that she scared us. "What were you doing? You know you don't go anywhere without mommy."

"I was chasing bees," she said in a cool, calm voice. "I don't like them." The innocent way she said it, as if she was telling me about some toy she played with or some food she ate, made me want to cry.

"You know you don't go anywhere without mommy," I repeated because I didn't know what else to say.

I was walking back to my sister's place with Calista in my arms and my cell phone in my hand. I tried to call my sister but she wasn't answering either of her phones - she was on the house phone with the police so she wasn't answering the cell.

My sister bawled when she saw me walk into her place with her daughter in my arms.

Stuff From The Past

2008-03-03T12:45:00.000-08:00

A year ago I was doing some personal blogging on MSN's Spaces. A couple days ago I was rereading some of the stuff I wrote and besides thinking that I'm an absolute nut job, I found myself laughing at this post from February 23, 2007. I just thought I'd share with everyone. I may do that for other older posts, to give some insight on who I was and what was going on ~l~

The Shortest Romance of My Life

Three weeks ago I became the happiest woman in the world...ok, maybe not the happiest in the entire world, but I was pretty damn happy. Life was good, work was even fun...now you know I was giddily happy. And that may not even be the correct usage of that word but I don't care, it's not the point. The point was I thought that I was invincible, that nothing in the world would ever ruin my happiness...I was so certain that nothing would ever come between us. Yes, I know that's pretty deep feelings for only three weeks but I felt it the moment I got my first glimpse. Ahhhh, it was love at first sight. Well, maybe not first sight, honestly I didn't want to like, I didn't really want to look but once I went for a spin......woooboy! let me tell you, it was amazing!

Sadly, like all my relationships, this one turned cold. Or in this case, ice did damage that I couldn't repair and my love is now far away from me, we don't see each other and all I ever do is think about the great times and wish they didn't end so soon. But I have hope that all is not lost! Oh yes, I am determined to get that loving feeling back again. It will cost me, but I don't mind spending the money, there are some things that you just have to do for love.

As I write this, it's been four days since I last saw the object of my affection, I had to leave it sitting in the cold unforgiving bleak bay at Fountain Tire, for my love, my car - which I affectionately refer to as Cavy - needs a transmission transplant ~sobs uncontrollably~ oh Cavy! why oh why did we have to drive over that 'snow'? Could we have avoided this separation? How long will it be before we are reunited and get to take those long drives down highway 28? ~sobs~ Oh how I miss you!

Heigh-ho Heigh-ho, This Post Is About Work, You Know

2007-12-30T09:52:00.000-08:00

Warning, I didn't proof read and the spell check didn't want to work for me...read at your own risk ~l~

Well maybe not totally about work. Maybe.

This year marked my eleventh year as a member of the wonderful world of the working class. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to get to work and earn some money for myself. Nor could I wait to have an excuse to get out of my house for hours at a time, you know, besides going to school. It was December 15th, my 16th birthday, and I was on my way up the street to the newly opened 'Hong Kong Restaurant', owned by a couple who lived down the street from my family.

I was nervous, I was only going to be a busgirl, but still, I was so freakin' nervous. See, I'm not a people person and new situations tend to scare me. I like to tell everyone I'm antisocial, but as much as I wish that were the case - yes, I realize that sounds horrible - I'm not so much antisocial as I am nervous of making a fool out of myself. I hate making a fool of myself, I don't 'get over' stuff as easily as I should. And I'm not one for letting stuff go.

But that's not the point of this.

I never had real Chinese food before I worked there. My family didn't really have the money to spend on stuff like that. Not that I blame my parents, with five kids, it wasn't easy to make ends meet all the time. When we 'ate out', my sisters and I were thrilled to get McDonalds. And if we were really lucky, my parents would treat us to Mary Brown's. God, I miss having Mary Brown's, the nearest one is a couple hours away from me still.

Working at Hong Kong, I came to love Chinese food. So much so, that I eat it every single chance I get. I would order a bunch of food, or I would get to take home food from the smorg, and when I got home, I would sit down to eat it - with my youngest sister, Sondra, drooling over my shoulder. I like to think I'm the reason she became hooked on Chinese food too. And why, years later, she too, would come to work at Hong Kong.

My first job taught me a lot. I was hired as a bus girl since I wasn't old enough to serve alcohol - you have to be 18 to buy, serve and drink alcohol here - but within a couple months, I was taking orders and cashing out customer orders. The owner told me once that I was the only bus girl she ever let handle the register. I even got to do all the finalizing of the credit card slips at the end of the night. I was so happy and proud of myself.

But my time at Hong Kong would end. After a year, I was tired of my job so I applied at KFC, where my best friend had just started working.

At KFC I wanted to be a 'cook' because I had my fill of customers and taking orders but that wasn't in the cards, they needed cashiers, so I got stuck upfront. They promised to cross train me, it was their 'big' thing, so I wasn't too upset about it. I think I was a cashier for a month before I got my big break, I got assigned to the kitchen! I was so excited, this was what I wanted and I was determined to stay there until the end of time. Well, the end of my time at KFC, that is.

I'm not sure how long it was - I believe it was really only three months at the most but I could be wrong - before I was doing mostly closing shifts (I was still in school at the time, grade 12). Most of my closing shifts were with the same male shift manager, Al. Now Al was a nice guy, a little weird but nice. And God was he slow!

At the time, it was restaurant policy that two people closed the store, so that no one would be alone in the store, after dark, by themselves. Since I didn't have my driver's license and I was bumming rides home from Al, I didn't mind having to wait around for him to be finished - at first. Soon, of course, I would become bored of waiting and I started to learn how to cash out, do inventory, and all the other paperwork that shift managers had to do, in order to get out of there at a decent hour.

I guess it was only a matter of time before I got promoted to 'Shift Manager'. I was happy there, the people were great, my job was easy and I was making 'a lot'. But soon, I would need more.

I believe it was May 1999 when my sister Darlene and I moved out on our own, despite protests and guilt trips from my parents. Everything was going great, my sister and I were as close as we could've been. Then she had to go and meet Eric, get engaged and move to Ohio. Don't get my wrong, I like my brother in law, he's a pain in the ass and he knows it! But I wouldn't have it any other way, we get along well.

So my sister moves to Ohio in October 2000 and I'm living on my own. I was doing ok, I was working full time and since I knew the landlady well, I was getting a break in my rent, which really helped.

Then everything started to really boom around here and rent went up, power went up. Everything went up. I was starting to struggle but I wasn't willing to admit that I was getting deeper in debt. I didn't want to move back home, my pride wouldn't let me.

That's when I started a second job, as a 'cook' at A&W.

I was living alone, working two jobs to make ends meet, something that a lot of people have done many times before me. But I started to crack. I swear I went stir crazy. I didn't see anyone outside work. My family (who lived across the back alley) barely came over; I had to go over there to see them. I didn't have my license so I couldn't go anywhere without getting a cab, which I didn't have the money for. I live in a small town where going out and getting drunk was about the only thing to do, so I didn't have many places to go, if I could afford a cab anyway.

So everyday I would work two jobs, go home and sleep. When I didn't have to work, I would watch TV or movies, read or put together puzzles, or chat on line. And I'm betting there are some who are thinking, if you couldn't afford a cab, how could you afford to have cable or Internet. It's simple, I didn't have the energy to go out after standing on my feet for 12 hours or so a day and at 11 pm or later, there wasn't really any place to go, besides the bars. I choose those over going places by cab.

Now don't get me wrong, I did get out. I would often go to my parents house, or to my oldest sisters place (when she still lived here). I would hang out with friends and some times go to the bar on ladies night - free drinks and a chance at free money? I was all over that!

But on the whole, I was lonely. And I felt like I was losing my mind.

And the situation at work, didn't help. The owners of KFC caught wind of the fact that I was working at A&W as well. A&W had just reintroduced 'Chubby Chicken' back into their stores and the powers that be at KFC decided that it was a 'conflict of interest' for me to be working at both - I had to choose one. To sweeten the deal, to make me choose KFC, the owners pretty much told me that I had a shot at being store manager. So like the poor, little stupid person I am, I BELIEVED them!

I quit A&W, giving them the whole 'conflict of interest' spiel and they were ok with it. But when an opening for store manager came up in the store I was in, I was overlooked and someone who the owners didn't even like, was promoted.

The new manager and I were friends before she took over but the moment she took over, the power went to her head and she changed. Sure, maybe I was a little pissed off because of what I was told, I won't deny it but I still did the same job I always did when I didn't get promoted.

Around the time that this change over was going on, I was at the end of my rope at home. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was worrying all the time about my bills and how I was going to pay them. Moving back home was looming over me like the cold hand of death. I didn't want to do it, God how I hated the idea but I knew it was just a matter of time. It was either that or I was going to be living on the street.

I started having what I thought were panic attacks. I couldn't breathe, I got light headed and I felt like I was going to pass out. I called my mom to come get me, I told the manager that I had to go because I wasn't feeling that great and she stood there and told me I couldn't go! She told me I had to stay and do my shift because SHE wasn't covering for me, SHE had plans and SHE was going home. My mom came to get me, took one look at me and drive me straight to the hospital. They nurses took one look at me and ushered me into a room where they strapped me down and hooked me up to a EKG (??? - I think that's what it was) and I heard one of them say something about getting the doctor and heart attack! I was only 20 years old!

I didn't have a heart attack. I did get to go home hours later with a heart monitor though. That was fun. My mom went to my work to tell my manager what was going on and my manager started yelling at my mom! Telling her that I was ok and faking it. My mom accused her of not giving a 'shit' about me and my manager flipped out, went off on mom for 'swearing' at her. She told everyone that mom cursed her out!

Needless to say, when I was feeling better, I went to talk to the owner of A&W to get my old job back and I quit KFC after being there for four years. I moved back home at some point during all this.

My time at A&W was relatively calm. I was back to being a 'cook' but soon, I was given more and more responsibility. By the time I left there almost two years later, I was 'closing cook' who could also 'cash out and close down' the restaurant.

Two major things happened while I was at A&W - oh! Sorry make that three.

First one was Keith, my ex boyfriend/roommate. I first saw Keith August of 2002, my mom and sister were having a yard sale and Keith showed up with his dad. Keith's dad and my mom were talking, Keith was standing on the walkway dressed all in black, I was standing in the doorway, I think I was waiting for mom to stop talking so I could ask her something. I remember standing there in my light blue pjs, thinking, 'hmmm, looks like I'm not the only one who wears all black in the middle of summer'. And I swear, even though he claims he doesn't remember, I swear he looked at me and smiled! Yes, I'm that much of a dork, I was excited by that! Until I found out who they were. I worked with his mom!

So time goes by. It's two months later, I'm friends with one of the younger supervisors in the kitchen and we were joking around about calling Keith's mom to tell her that she needed to order chicken and send Keith up for it just so I could drool over him for a little bit. Of course, Anita, the supervisor, gets the idea in her head to actually call and talk to him, telling him that there was someone who wanted to talk to him before she called me to the office, telling me that I was wanted on the phone. I realized right away what she did, I freaked out! I didn't have anything to say to him! A few 'I'm going to kill you!' and 'I'm not talking to him!' and a ripped apron later, I was sitting in the office, my cheeks burning as I held the phone to my ear and rambled on like a moron! In the end, I asked him if he knew who I was, he said yes. I asked him if Anita told him why she called, he said no. I was about to tell him to forget about it when I decided not to be a chicken. I took a deep breath and as I let it out I said something along the lines of, 'I'minterestedinyouandwaswonderingifyouwouldbeinterestedindoingsomethingwithmesometime'. He said yes! And the rest is history.

Second thing that happened, I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. Crippling pain was shooting through my body, I couldn't eat or sleep or even move. I finally asked my dad to take me to the hospital and they told me that I had 1cm sized gallstones and one of the little buggers was resting in the duct of the gallbladder. The stones were too big to try to break up, the gallbladder would have to come out.

Third, and the most horrible of them all was the murder of my boss, Doreen. She was murdered in her own home early one morning and I still can't believe she's gone. But the freaky thing about it, I dreamt, a couple nights before we found out, that she was murdered. I'm not sure if the person who did it was really caught and found guilty yet or not. I know they had arrested someone but it became way too hard to hear about it, too hard to read about it without crying so I stopped paying attention. Doreen was an awesome lady, she was nice to everyone.

There are a couple things I remember about her, little things that will seem like they don't matter, but to me, they do. I remember doing her a favor - closing for her so she could go spend some time with her youngest son (he was about three years or more older than me), he came down for his birthday - a couple nights before she was murdered. I remember taping an episode of '24' for her just because she loved the show and was going to miss that episode the night it was on; I can't watch '24' and find it hard to hear about it without becoming sad. Doreen is the reason I fell in love with 'Fiddler on the Roof'. One night we were talking about 'Phantom of the Opera', she was telling me how she had seen it performed a few times in Edmonton and how we should go see it the next time it was being performed. Then we went on to talk about other musicals, she told me about 'Fiddler' and she promised to lend it to me. A week or so after I gave it back to her, she was gone.

It just wasn't the same working at A&W after she was gone. Luckily, for me, Keith had moved to Edmonton and he wanted me to come live with him. April 2002, I moved to Edmonton with Keith and I started working at Pizza Hut as a Shift Manager. October 2003, after being promoted to RGM, I was over stressed and freaking out, I quit Pizza Hut to work at the front desk of the St Albert Inn.

Working at the St Albert Inn was an interesting experience, one that I'm not in any hurry to repeat. I hated every moment of my six months there. I have no idea why I thought that I would have a good time working the front desk when I was tired of people and their petty little complaints after working in food service since 96 - food customers have to be the bitchiest people out there. Yes, I know, I was handling something someone would eat, I had no problems with that but fuck! Do you have to bitch about every freakin thing? Sweet sauce is sweet? No freakin' way? I didn't know that! No, the driver didn't eat a piece of your pizza, you putz, the pizza shifted in the drive, you still have 4, 6, 8, or 12 pieces you are supposed to have. I'm sorry you can't tell the difference in an American TV station and a Canadian one, it's not my fault they offer products we don't have.

Sorry, there's still a little anger towards people from the food industry. And that's also me not letting stuff go...~L~

The Front Desk Agent position was the only job I was ever fired from. Thank God for that little blessing, it led me to try something a little different. It led me to WalMart and the promise of customer free shifts.

As you all know, I work overnights - or the 'third shift' as most call it - at my local WalMart. I've been working nights for almost three years now although when I started working them, I didn't think I would even stay one week, let alone three years.

Now, this is the point where I actually get to the reason I started typing this entry in the first place, unfortunately, I took forever getting to this point and now I'll have to continue with this some other time because I have a bunch of stuff to do before going to bed today.

Hopefully, you aren't all bored...if you are, then hey! I never said my life was interesting ~l~ If there's something about me, you would like to know, feel free to ask. If you want to hear more about something I've mentioned, tell me, I'll see if there's anything to tell ~l~

Have a great day, I'll see you on my story blogs soon.

Christmas Joys

2007-12-24T12:27:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve and all is fairly quite around my place. A couple hours ago I started and finished wrapping presents for my family who still live around here. Those presents are sitting on the floor in front of the love seat I'm sprawled out on while I type this.

The only noise in my cosy basement suite is from my roommate as he chats on the phone with a guy he used to work with at Fountain Tire here in town. Joe, Keith's former co-worker is ten times worst than a woman when it comes to talking on the phone. In fact he's worst than a woman for calling too. When Keith first started hanging out with him Joe would call him at least five times a day. I wish I was kidding about that. It got to the point where Joe was calling more than I ever did when Keith and I were dating, so I jokingly started calling him Keith's boyfriend - Keith didn't find it funny at all but I didn't care, it's fun to bug him.

Some people think it's strange that Keith and I live together. When they find out that we used to be boyfriend/girlfriend they give me this look which says 'oh sure you are just friends' but do you know what? The relationship didn't work out for a reason, we broke up because we weren't really happy as a couple - we weren't interested in each other that way anymore. To tell the truth, we could've broken up six months before we actually did but neither one of us took the first step. In the end, it was me who started that conversation and he never argued once with me about ending our relationship. He even admitted it was over long before we made it official.

Of course neither one of our families really understood how we could break up but still live together but it was what we both decided to do because neither one of us could really afford to live on our own - rent is terrible in this town and like everyone else, we had outstanding bills to pay. Plus, living alone isn't really all that fun. Well, it is but I did it once and I swear to God, I went a little crazy. It's been two years since we broke up, two years that we've been roommates. Two years and every single day I hope he has a long day at work so I don't see him that much.

I'm kidding. It's not that bad. Sure, he pisses me off all the time but hey, he's a guy, it's bound to happen, right?

He's off the phone and now he's wrapping presents for his family while he watches Just for Laughs to drown out the noise coming from the people upstairs. Christmas Eve for him is a big deal, his family does Christmas at his parents' house on Christmas Eve. Speed Christmas I like to call it. I've had to experience this Christmas a couple times and I have to say, it's so not for me.

Speed Christmas basically is Christmas on crack. Keith, his parents, his sister and her family (her and her husband have 4 kids, two boys and two girls) all gather at his parents house. They have dinner first and I have to say that was the best part of Christmas at their house for me. After dinner, they all head into the living room where his mother or father starts handing out gifts - some times throwing them across the room - and opening them. Which sounds normal but before they get the first one opened completely, the second is flying at them. I swear the whole gift part of the evening lasts about ten minutes. Hours shorter than my family's Christmas.

My family's Christmas is Christmas where time stands still. It can start at 4 in the morning and by noon we are probably done opening presents. That's right folks! The gift part of the day can take up to 8 hours. That's the same amount of time I work each night! It's crazy and it only gets crazier as the years go on because the family keeps expanding by leaps and bounds! And the sad thing, not all my family lives here!

My Christmas takes place on Christmas day. In the past couple of years, it as started around 6 am when someone calls me and tells me to get up. Now, ideally we would all go to my parents' house and do the gifts and dinner there but my family never does anything in the ideal way.

Now, before I go any further, I'll give you all a run down of my players, otherwise this will get very confusing, very quickly. I have a huge family, everyone tells me this when they find out that I have four sisters and 10 nieces/nephews with two more on the way.

As I said before, not all my family lives here, my two older sisters have moved. Benita is 6 years older than me and lives in Newfoundland with her husband and their eight year old son (Dylan) and six year old daughter (Cherise) and she is pregnant with her third baby. Darlene is 19 months older than me and lives in Ohio with her husband and their daughters, three year old (Abby) and two year old (Jessie).

Now for my family who still live here, those I have Christmas with every year. There is my parents obviously, and then there are my younger sisters. Melissa is three years younger than me. Her and her boyfriend have a five year old son Kaiden, a three year old daughter Elisa, a two year old son, Zack and one more on the way. Sondra is seven years younger than me, she's married and they have three children - a three year old daughter, Calista, a two year old son, Dakota and a one year old daughter, Sieanna.

So last Christmas, I crawled out of bed and drove over to Sondra's apartment building where I spent what seemed like forever watching Sondra and her family open all the presents they got from everyone they knew. All of which had to to video taped by my father under the 'perfect' setting - Newfie Christmas music, no stops in action, and everyone being 'nice'.

After Sondra's, we went to Melissa's where the same thing happened all over again. Then on to my parents' house where I had to open my presents from all of them and then my parents had their turn.

And then, finally, dinner.

Now, in a perfect world, everything would go smoothly and we would all be filled with so much Christmas spirit, we'd burst. But life isn't perfect, and nothing goes smoothly when my family is involved. The bickering and complaining drawn our Christmas out way longer than it needs to be. And every year they all swear the next one will be different. It never is.

Ahhh, Christmas. A time of pretty lights, gift giving and bitter, angry people wishing they were strangers.

Christmas was one of the biggest problems in my relationship with Keith. I would go, happily, to his parents' house for Christmas on Christmas Eve and I would even go along happily to his sister's house the next day for supper but I had to fight with him to go with me to my family's Christmas on Christmas Day. In fact, he would tell me that Christmas was over for him after his thing at his parents' house, he didn't see the point in doing anything with my family for Christmas. He refused to go to either of my sisters' homes and he only agreed to go to my parents' house when dinner was ready.

Sweet isn't he? Makes you what to come and snatch him up, doesn't it? Well??? What are you waiting for, come and get him, he's free.

I didn't plan on this post being so...boring or depressing, I'm sorry for that. I really hope that you are all enjoying your Christmas. And don't worry about me, even though my Christmas doesn't seem like it's all that great, I get to spend it with the six of the cutest kids in the world. I love them with all my heart and seeing the happiness on their faces makes everything worth it.

Thoughts From The Darkness

2007-12-19T04:49:00.000-08:00

It's almost 6 in the morning on my first of two nights off work. Most people assume that I would be sleeping at this hour since I'm not working but I tend to keep my working sleep pattern, it's less confusing to the body that way.

This morning I find myself sitting out in the living room on my roommate's very comfy love seat. Dressed only in a night shirt - green with a huge Christmas tree and one of the seven dwarfs, Dopey I think, standing in front of it looking a little surprised or worried because the tree is leaning to the left like it is about to fall over - I sit with my legs stretched out on the love seat in front of me. Like most of the time I sit out here, I'm covered in a blanket with my laptop propped up on my lap as thoughts of Anna, Tanner and Janie all run through my mind.

It's dark here, did I mention that? No, I know I didn't. I could turn on a light but I'm so used to the dark, I find it comforting and it seems to me that I get the best ideas when I can't see what's going on around me.

Not that there's much happening at 6 in the morning.

Another reason I don't turn on the light is my roommate, his room is just off the kitchen and his door is always open. No, don't get carried away, it's not open for any hidden reason, it's left open because there aren't any furnace ducts in his room and it gets really cold when he closes the door apparently. Yes, he does have a portable heater in his room, he bought it last winter but we are both nervous about using portable heaters due to all the horror stories you hear every year.

So that's the main reason I sit in the dark with only the light from the screen illuminating the keyboard.

Why am I writing here instead of one of my blogs? I'm sure that people are wondering that, or maybe they aren't. Either way, it doesn't matter, I'm going to tell you anyway. I'm writing here for the simple fact that there are many things that I think and feel during the run of the day - many things that I wish to share - that can't be worked into either of the story blogs I have. Sure, I could try but some times I don't want to tell a story, I want to express thoughts and opinions that don't always fit into my stories without a lot of work.

The purpose of this entry? It's simple. I was sitting here, logged into Janie's blog, ready to continue her story when I started playing music - Christmas music. As I scanned my play list, I started to think about Christmas and how it seemed to be becoming just another day for me. I touched on this feeling briefly in Tanner's last post - hey, there is a lot of me in all my characters, what can I say? - and yes, I believe that the main reason I haven't been feeling Christmas for the last three years is because I work in retail and have to deal with it as early as the end of October.

Or maybe that's just an excuse I use because I'm not happy with my personal life. Either way, I haven't been in the mood for Christmas for a long time.

Back to the Christmas music. I was listening to it and looking through my list. I started to think that the song, "Where are you Christmas?" by Faith Hill, would have to be my favorite Christmas song at the moment because it expresses a lot of the feelings and questions I have right now.

But as I thought that, I found a couple more songs I loved just as much as that one.

All these thoughts led me to compile my top twenty favorite Christmas songs and that is the whole reason for the rambling I've been doing.

Twenty Favorite Christmas Songs (there's no real order to this list)

Where Are You Christmas by Faith Hill - for the reason I stated above
Beautiful Star Of Bethlehem by Emmylou Harris - the song is catchy but the main reason I love this song is my oldest sister. When she still lived in the town I live in, she used to sing at the 'Country Opry' that the town held, she sang this song one Christmas. She lives 'back home' now, with her husband and her two kids, the third one is on the way.
Oh Holy Night - when I first heard this song I was a little girl listening to whatever music my older sister had and the records and 8-tracks that my dad still had. The version I used to listen too as a kid was by a guy. I'm not sure who it was, but he had a really deep voice and whenever he got to the 'fall on your knees' part of the song, I always pictured him doing just so. That part of the song is why I love this song so much.
Home For Christmas (Hello Mom And Dad) by Frank Willis - I used to dream about moving far away from home and calling my parents one year and saying the words to the chorus of this song to them. I imagine it would be a happy time.
Snoopy's Christmas by The Royal Guardsmen - it's a fun song with a serious back story.
I Believe In Santa Claus by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers - I LOVE those two together, I have their Christmas album and I can listen to it from beginning to end; it's the only Christmas album I love completely.
The Mummer's Song by Simani - As most of you know, I'm from Newfoundland so it's only natural that some Newfoundland Christmas songs make it into my list. I remember one time when 'mummers' came to my parents house during Christmas but that's not why I love this song. My dad can play a few musical instruments but his favourite would be, it seems, the accordion. Many times I would hear him playing this song and singing or my mom or one of my sisters would sing while they did whatever they were doing at the time.
Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt - when I first heard this song, I hated it but it grew on me.
Santa's A Bayman - Another Newfoundland Christmas song. I think it's cute.
Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy by David Bowie and Bing Crosby - I love the way they sing this one and I love the 'jokes' in the video of this one.
With Bells On by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers - I'm all for upbeat songs and ones that talk about going home. This one makes me smile.
As Long As There's Christmas from the Beauty and The Beast Enchanted Christmas movie - this movie makes anything seem possible. Or maybe that's just the way I see it.
Christmas Don't Be Late by Alvin and the Chipmunks - who doesn't love the Chipmunks?
Nothing But A Child by Steve Earle - I can't really explain the hope I feel when I listen to this song.
Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas) by John Denver - this one is pretty obvious, I would think. Most of my younger Christmas memories are of my sisters and I being really excited as we opened our presents and of my dad sleeping on the couch or at least trying too as we did so.
Do They Know It's Christmas? by Bandaid - I just like this one.
Santa Claus Is Coming On A Trike by Harve Bishop - another Newfoundland Christmas song, it always reminds me of the Santa Claus parades that we used to have back home.
Happy Christmas (The War Is Over) by John Lennon - it's a good song, it makes me think
Walking Round In Woman's Underwear by Bob Rivers - there's nothing better than a good clean parody of a classic.
Cool Yule by Louis Armstrong - this song makes me wish I could have seen this performed live, it would have been so cool, I think.

Of course I do like a lot of other Christmas songs but these are the ones I listen to all the time.

So tell me, what songs do you like to listen to at this time of year?

Q & A

2007-07-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

I’ve been sharing my writing with you all since the end of last year and now, some 300+ posts later, I have giving all my readers a chance to ask me some questions so they could ‘get to know’ the person behind the blogs.

So here are the questions I’ve received in the last week.

Q: I've tried to blog a few times, but lose interest just a few posts in. How do you stay motivated to post so often?

A: I really find it difficult some mornings to get in the mood to blog, that’s why there aren’t posts sometimes and other times I just fall asleep, or life happens! But the reason I started to blog everyday on ‘View From This Chair’ is because I had lots of stuff I wanted to share and a growing reader base who were happy to find a blog that posted regularly. On the days that I don’t want to post, I think about being a reader and the feeling of disappointment that comes when my favorite blogs haven’t updated.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is, my motivation to post so often comes from every one who take the time out of their lives to read my blogs and post comments when ever they have something they wish to say. That’s why I will never remove comments, or will never get there and tell someone if they don’t like what I post to ‘stop reading’ or that I’m ‘not writing for them’. I am writing for them and all of those who post positive things on my blog. And of course, I’m writing for myself…~g~

Q: Do you already know how your stories are going to end?

A: I know how the story is going to go but as for an end? I’m not looking for an ending anytime soon ~s~

Q: Did you ever imagine that you'd have such a devoted fan base? Does that ever cause you to feel pressured to write or change the story line to accommodate them?

A: Only in my wildest dreams had I imagined that one day I would share my writing with people in this way and they would like it enough to keep checking back every day, sometimes up to ten times a day! That just blows my mind!

The only time I ‘feel’ pressure to write are the days where people want doubles and I can’t do it because I’m snoring away! I never feel pressure to change the story line, I might change the way I was going to write a post but the way it ends up is the way I wanted it to go. I like to think that the readers keep coming back because of the story I tell and not because what they want to happen, always happens.

Q: Have you ever encountered writer's block, and if so how do you handle it?

A: Ok, I’ll let you all in a secret. The cliffhangers that you all love to hate so much? That’s my way of avoiding a writer’s block. If I give myself a huge ending to have to pick up from, writing the next entry is so much easier. On the days that I try not to give cliffhangers, the next entry normally takes forever for me to write. When that happens, I walk away from my computer and do something else until I form an idea in my head that doesn’t make me feel completely lame when I type it out. Some times when I can’t beat the writer’s block, you all are subject to read the ‘slow, nothing’ posts.

Q: Do you relate to Amber or Anna? Which one is more like you and how/why?

A: I tend to relate more to Anna because when I started “View” she was supposed to be me but my story telling abilities took my boring life, made some changes and now I wish that was my life!

Q: In "Once in This Life," you capture the feeling of young motherhood very convincingly. Is that because you have children of your own?

A: No, I do not have children of my own. My experience with children comes from the ten nieces and nephews ranging from the age of eight all the way down to 1 year old. In fact, by this time next year I’ll actually have eleven nieces and nephews because my oldest sister is pregnant! WOOHOO!! ~l~

My experience with young motherhood is also second hand. I have four sisters - two older, two younger. Both my younger sisters were moms before they were out of their teens. My youngest sister found out she was pregnant for the first time on her 16th birthday; today she has three children and she’s not even 20.

Q: Are any of the guys on this blog (VFTC) inspired by guys that you have dated? Can you please tell us about the men that have been in your life?

A: Oh boy! ~l~ Luckily there aren’t that many men that have been ‘in’ my life; I say that because most of the guys I ‘saw’ were guys I met online and before anyone rolls their eyes at that, I have to say, I didn’t go looking to get ‘involved’ with someone I met on line, things just happened.

I’ll start at the beginning because otherwise this can get a little confusing.

The character of Josh is loosely based on a guy I met in a chat room called ‘the-park’ which isn’t around any more. I met ‘Josh’ when I was ‘involved’ with another guy (who I love to call ‘Jackass in Jersey’, or JIJ) in the room, so we were just friends and in fact I never thought of him as anything more than that until after I went to meet JIJ.

JIJ was supposedly separated and he wanted to meet me. Me being 19 at the time and having not ever had anyone ‘want’ me, I made plans to go to Jersey to meet him. I took along a friend of mine and her boyfriend. I would say it was the biggest mistake of my life but I would go on to make bigger one but it’s certainly in the top five. So I went to Jersey for a week and the entire time I was there? I wasn’t happy. I was ignored by him as he hit on my friend and I ended up sleeping with him because I wanted his attention. I know now that was a stupid thing to do and at the time I knew it too but I wanted him to like me. God how stupid was I! The jerk was still married! There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t hate myself for doing the one thing I never thought I would ever do.

So that ‘relationship’ ended.

And I started to talk more with the guy who is most like Josh, his name was Dave. I say Dave is Josh because there aren’t that many differences between the two of them, except that Dave didn’t have any children and he wasn’t a high school teacher. Dave was nine years older than me, recently divorced and just trying to get his life together. I was 20, hurt for the first time and wanting to get over that.

We were friends at first but as time went on and we talked more and more, there were deeper feelings starting to surface. One day he told me that he would work up the courage to come visit me (he lived in California) and the following year, he came up to see me, twice.

Before I met Dave, I was a withdrawn, depressed girl who didn’t plan on being on the earth any longer. But there was some thing about Dave that ‘changed’ who I was. It wasn’t that he made me change, I wanted to change because he made me see that things weren’t as bad as I thought they were; I guess you could say that he opened my eyes. He made me feel alive and beautiful, which I never felt before he came into my life and I haven’t felt since.

But things didn’t go the way I hoped they would, there are many reasons I could give to why things ended but I know that a lot of it was my fault; I was immature. I knew when I started talking to him that his ex was controlling to the point that she got rid of all of his friends he had before they married because she didn’t like them but I didn’t think about that over a year later when he left here for the second time and a friend of his went to visit him. I was so jealous that he was spending time with this chick, I called all the time. In the end, he asked me to give him some space but I didn’t want too and continued to pretty much harass him. I guess it’s no wonder that he stopped talking to me. But damn do I miss him. He was the first guy to really make me feel special and to be honest, no guy as made me feel that way since.

So that ‘relationship’ ended.

It would be a year before I met my first real boyfriend. I worked with his mom at A&W here in town and I happened to mention to one of the girls I worked with that I thought he was cute; she ended up calling him from work one night and then came out of the office to tell me I was wanted on the phone! I knew the phone didn’t ring and when I realized what she did, I wanted to kill her! But in the end, I picked up the phone and finally told him that I was interested in him and wanted to know if he would be interested in going out some time.

At first the relationship seemed like it was going great but almost three months after we started dating, he broke up with me but we decided we would still be friends. Another month and a half would go by and we got back together. While we were together, we moved to the ‘city’ and then three years later, we moved back to where I live now. It wasn’t that long after we moved back here that we broke up again but decided to still live in the same house because rent was expensive here and neither one of us could really afford to live on our own. So my first ‘real’ boyfriend has been my roommate for the past year and a half.

During the last couple months with my ex, I met a guy from Australia on line and we became friends. Last year I flew to Australia to meet him and spent a month with him. It was actually fun but like every other romance in my life, that one ended.

So now I’m single and not really sure where I’m going from here. I know I’m not looking for a guy on line, even though I do chat still. I know long distance relationships aren’t for me; I get too clingy and call all the freaking time! I know that I want a guy that I can actually spend time with and some one who don’t make me feel like crap, who’s answer to ‘do you love me’ isn’t ‘if I didn’t meet you I’d still be living in my parents basement’. I know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and I hold on to the hope that I’ll meet ‘Josh’ before I die.

Wow that was a long, pointless answer…~l~

Q: Do you read a lot, and if so who are your favorite authors?

A: Yes, I read all the time! I was the kid whose mother got mad at her for reading instead of being outside and playing! My favorite authors today are John Grisham, Dean Koontz, J.K. Rowling (yes I love Harry potter – it was a book that Dave introduced me too when I met him for the first time, he actually had to buy me all the books that were out at that time, in hard cover because he was that sure I would love them!), and Robin Cook just to name a few. I find I read a lot of true crime and law or medical related stuff, with some romance thrown in there for fun.

Q: When did you know you were a writer? When did you become interested in writing?

A: I honestly don’t think of myself as a writer because I don’t feel that I’m as descriptive as I should be and I make mistakes all the time with grammar and spelling. But with that being said, I’ve been telling stories all my life. I think the first ‘real’ story I wrote started from a flash card type thing where they gave you the starting sentence or the background and you had to write what happened next, it was a school assignment. The first time I wrote for myself, I was in grade five or six; I wrote some stories and a friend of mine drew some pictures for them. When I was in junior high, I was on the newspaper staff but I didn’t get a chance to really write that much for them.

I always wanted to write for a living but that never did pan out, not that I really tried that hard.

Q: What do you like to do in your free time apart from writing?

A: When I’m not writing or working or sleeping, there really isn’t that much time left in the day ~l~. I like to read, I hang out with my sisters and their kids or my roommate or my mom or my friends. I don’t get the chance to do many exciting things because I really don’t know that many people. The most exciting thing I have coming up is my trip to Ohio in September…so yeah, I won’t be posting for those couple weeks…~l~

Q: What city/country are you located in? I know you've mentioned different time zones in the comments before as well as a post dedicated to "Canada Day."

A: My home for the past 11 years has been in Alberta but I wasn’t born here nor did I ‘grow’ up here.

I was born one day in the middle of December in St. John’s, Newfoundland. I spent the first 16 years of my life growing up in the small community of Green’s Harbour, Newfoundland.

The summer of the year I was to turn 16, my father moved west to look for work and he finally found something in the growing town of Bonnyville, Alberta. That August my mom, my four sisters, the family cat and I all moved everything we owned almost all the way across the country.

The ‘city’ that I talk about where Anna went to visit Brandy and Logan is Alberta’s capital, Edmonton; Bonnyville is three long hours from Edmonton.

And now that I tell you all that, I can hear my mom lecturing me, ‘don’t tell people where you are from! Don’t share personal information!”

Q: Is your writing fiction or is it drawn from personal experiences?

A: While there are a lot of facts in my writing, most of it at this point is fiction.

Most of you asked me some serious questions and that’s great but one person wanted to know the other side of me…the silly side, so here are those questions!

Q: What is your favorite word that begins with the letter "O"?

A: First thought I’m so not going to say! Second thought would go well with the first, it’s ‘ohmygod!’ Hey that’s one word when you say it fast enough! ~l~

Q: Do you like green eggs and ham?

A: I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I am!

Q: If burps had color, what color would yours be?

A: Pink with purple polka dots? Because I love being different ~l~

Q: What are the best/worst pick up lines used on you?

A: Sadly I’ve never been subjected to the joys of good or bad pick up lines…I think I’m totally missing out; it’s not fair I tell you! ~l~

Well that ends the list of questions I was given, I hope you enjoyed this look into the ‘real’ me as much as I have. If you think of anything else to ask, you call still email me. If I get enough questions, I may do a part two of this…who really knows. Maybe after reading this no one will want to know anything else about me.

Just please don’t stop reading!

Oh and before you all go, there’s something else you should know….

….YOU ARE THE BEST READERS EVER!!!!!

Character List For 'View From This Chair'

2007-07-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

Zack – Anna’s brother, married to Mary, father to three girls: Cassie, Lindsay and Natalie, cop

Chad – Anna’s brother, married to Susan, father to Krystal, Conner and child 3 on the way

Anna or ‘Ama’ – in love with Josh

Josh – Anna’s love interest, father to Jesse, high school teacher

Frank and Helen – Josh’s parents

Tim – Josh’s oldest brother, married to Lori, father of three: Matt, Candice and Kelly, grandfather to Megan

Karen – Josh’s oldest sister, married to Paul, mother of twin boys: Aron and Tyler

Elizabeth – Josh’s youngest sister, engaged to Cody

Robbie – married to Sandy, father to Erin, was friends with Anna and introduced her to Josh five years before this blog takes place

Matt – Josh’s nephew married to Kerri, father to Megan

Jordan – Anna’s best friend since birth, Nick’s twin brother, father of Jenna, dating Bella

Nick – Anna’s best friend since birth, Jordan’s twin brother, wife Amy is pregnant with their first baby

Bella – Anna’s friend at work, dating Jordan, Wade’s sister

Heather – Jordan’s ex girlfriend and the mother of his daughter, Jenna; dating Hank

Carol – Josh’s ex-wife, Jesse’s mom, married to Phil and pregnant with his baby

Brandy – Anna’s best girl friend, married to Logan, mom to Kiki and Tisha

Jack – Josh’s best friend who he also works with

Mike – Jordan and Nick’s older gay brother, dating Eric

John and Harriet – parents to Mike, Nick and Jordan.

Character List For 'Once In This Life'

2007-07-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

Amber – Alexis’ mommy, Reed’s girlfriend.

Reed – Alexis’ daddy, Amber’s boyfriend.

Janie – Amber’s best friend, engaged to Cary, used to date Devon.

Devon – Reed’s best friend

Lenore and Carl Sands – Amber’s parents

Lucinda and Roger Johnson – Reed’s parents

Madeline - Reed’s grandmother

Shirley and Wayne – Devon’s parents

Chris – was Amber’s neighbor and friend when she lived on her own, Nadine’s nephew by marriage.

Charlie - Amber’s boss at the day care center.

Nadine – works with Amber at the day care center, married to Hal (Chris’ uncle)

Penny – works with Nadine and Amber

Cary – Janie’s fiancée

Annette (Kelly) – was engaged to Devon